Saturday, November 15

Saturday, Nov. 15th… The world according to memory of old……

Close your eyes for just a moment…… relax and stop fidgeting about what needs done or what you should be doing rather than sitting here with your eyes closed. Relax…… wipe all thought from your mind….think of nothing for a few minutes…… just maintain a blank mind…. One of tranquil lollygagging, drifting lightly as if you were on a cloud drifting across the wide expanse of a mountain range with only trees visible under a clear blue sky with your cloud being the only one around. Peaceful…… quiet…… delightful.
The holidays are coming… as before…accompanied with stress, the hustle and bustle of shopping, checking names off the list, preparing for meals and visits and visitors you will entertain. How easy it is to forget…… How easy it is to get caught up in the rush of things to come… as they have……before, as in years past since the beginning of time. How easy it is to dread the very best of life if you allow it to happen. I for one, was the worst......“The Grinch of all holidays.” This year, I change… this year I will not go down that same road. This year I will enjoy the holidays with the one I love and will build a memory to cherish.
As I look back over my life, I see holidays filled with partial enjoyment and partial regret. First of all…… I spent a lot of my life in the wrong shell… I was involved in a disastrous marriage of many years that I just wouldn’t quit trying to fix… yet it wouldn’t quit making me miserable, unhappy, used and yes, even abused. I worked long grueling hours, making excellent wages for my sins and all for a life I didn’t even enjoy… As Jospeh Campbell states
..."Many young people choose their life's work and climb that ladder of success.... and when they have reached the top, they are ultimately, very unhappy. Then they realize that they placed the ladder against the wrong wall." Thus I finally saw my mistake with my career and being married to a person who was deeply in love with herself, living a lonely, selfish life within a bubble. The enjoyment I speak of, was the final realization that my memories of past family participation in holiday functions was all I had to look forward to. I had no future…… no present……for almost all those around me had vanished as they passed away …… my present family was slowly disappearing, with nothing replacing the loss. My life was over…… I thought, I should go… like the rest, to another place…a new life. So I checked out…I died from that life and moved on… to a small camper trailer… retiring from my job… and retiring from many bad years of marriage and was reborn to the world in new life, meeting the love of my life in a pre-ordained arrangement unknown to me at the time, but recognized upon it’s completion, I now see the world through a new set of eyes. I still have those old childhood memories, but I realized you must make your own future…… not of the old memories, lest I be living the past in seclusion….but to burst forth and create new memories to cling to in the future. I am now back… smiling and enjoying life daily. How different it is when you have someone to behold life with…now I close my eyes and she is all I see. I don’t need memories right now, for I can hold my present and future in my arms.

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