Friday, January 2
Friday, Jan. 2nd… A resolution & a solution… what else’s needed???
This morning I decided to change my life for the better by dumping old baggage… baggage from another world…another time when life was constantly filled with disappointments at every turn in life’s road. I’ve realized this morning, that I’ve harbored some of that old baggage and it comes to the surface from time to time, inflicting disappointment into my present life when everything should really be bright and sunny, considering the great promise of everything around me. If I have one thing in my past to hate or someone that caused it…..it would be this ugly ghoul, that rears it’s head, when I am completely relaxed and unguarded, thus not expecting those old feelings from yesteryear to resurface so painfully. Abuse is such an ugly word……one branding the aggressor to the male gender 99.9% of the time, because it is extremely hard for a man to admit he was abused. If it weren’t, the percentage would be more even, male to female. It remains as such because society paints a man as a sissy or at the very least spineless, if he were to admit to such a silly thing…… come on…… a big man being abused by a little woman…… right, you sissy! You want us to believe you couldn’t defend yourself against a little girl? You want us to believe you couldn’t suck it up…… and ignore a woman’s tongue, if it was a little sharp at times? You couldn’t just tell her to shut up or slap her one in the mouth for cussing at you? Come on…put her in her place you wimp…… you’re the man here. Well fellas, I’m here to tell you that if you react as such, you’re an abuser too. I believe in loving and respecting the person you’re with and if problems arise, you try to resolve them…… not punch them or slap them or leave them. You try, then try again… then you lose respect and then you’re stuck and disgusted… because you’re not a quitter. Nothing works, you don’t hit… so you strike back by word… sharp words… then you realize after bruises and blood, that sharp words don’t work either because all they do is invite physical retaliation and if it has to be while you’re sleeping to get those retaliatory blows in… then, so be it. Ahhh….. … memories…… sleeping with one eye open and still waking up to savage cursing and breaking things, throwing and smashing at three AM for God knows what reason…… Ahhhh… memories.... of a huge shard stuck in the middle of my back....as flying glass covered the bed I slept in... Memories I am going to purge myself of along with the baggage!
No one should live that way…… I know…I did… and my New Year’s Resolution this morning is to remove that past forever from my mind and never allow those feelings to surface unexpectedly.
I’m not a sissy for choosing not to hit back …… and I will not be responsive with sharp words which then make me an abuser too…… but boy, do I hate the life I lived before this one and memories that jump up to haunt me.
I thank Vicki for loving me and if these feelings ever hurt her when they surfaced in the past, I truly am sorry, for she is the greatest love a person could ever ask for or be blessed with having…… and she heals me and my past. I love her for that……among many other things……
If you are abused…… change it. It won’t ever change itself…… nor will the other party, so you must do it. Be a sissy, but change it…
Then get on with life…… you only have this one chance.
Today we go to Richie’s house for his birthday party. I’ve fed and watered all the critters in their less than warm abode, but all are happy and puttering around like it was summer…… chirping and laying some eggs.. although production has dropped off a little, I know it is because of the frigid cold and they will return to regular when the temperatures do. I am writing and knitting now though….because it’s way too cold to work in the barn doing anything until it warms up, so we will continue to make Hospice gift shop items for spring.